Dear Tiny Person - 4/21/21

Dear Tiny Person,

You are sleeping right next to me tonight as I finish up a slew of tasks here at 1:11 a.m. in the morning.

I'm tired, but have things to do. I have things to do because I worked all day and then went to pick you up at the bus stop. As I waited for 20 minutes, I recorded a podcast. A podcast that I made up in those 20 minutes, including figuring out a topic.

As we drove home from school, you said that you wanted to go out and get our weekly treat and that this time you wanted your 12 year old cousin to come with us.

So, we drove home and waited as you worked on the chores with her (including folding and putting away socks). I brought the school stuff in, checked some emails, and went back out to the car to take a look at some of my notes.

We drove to Wendys where she ordered the biggest most expensive meal and you and I both shared fries and a frosty. We also bought water for your aunt because she presented her business ideas to a group this evening at the church.

We came home and I prepared another snack, changed clothing, talked to Daddy, and created my next set of business to dos. I spent a few minutes making a poster for the evening just in case I had to present my business idea at the small "shark tank" like meeting.

You came with me and sat in a corner for two hours watching Mickey Mouse, PJ Masks, and Lightening McQueen on the iPad while I, your aunt, and three other people presented their ideas to some savy business people that were also members of the local church leadership.

You are growing up. You didn't interrupt us once. You were polite. You were patient.

I love you.

It was around 10 p.m. when we finally got downstairs. You were tired. I had already stripped your mattress down to wash the sheets, but hadn't even gotten to them today. So, I said you could come sleep in the big bed after our prayer.

I wanted to go to sleep. But, I had all the things to do. The invoice to send to one of my clients. My podcast to edit, upload to the site, put on my website, and load up to YouTube.

Reminders of things I didn't get done today despite my best efforts.

Tiny Person, my mind is filled with exhilaration in those moments where I remember my Heavenly Father, His love for me, the love of His son Jesus the Christ. I am blessed by the spirit to have ideas and promptings, often without knowing they are there. Often, I am seeking for more not seeing what is already right in front of me that needs to be molded, shifted, created, and organized.

And, then today and this past year that feeling of exhilaration shifts as I note my imperfections, my lot in life, and the seeming differences between the lives of some around me.

Tonight, in a moment of waiting, I took a look at Instagram. I saw a cousin that looked so radiant and happy. Newly married after being divorced. She felt deep intense pain for something lost, that she didn't want to lose. Yet, here she is one year later with much pain resolved. Money taken care of, happy in love, and traveling all about.

Lives are different. I don't know if I want that life. I don't know that I don't want it either. What do I see there that is missing from mine? Why should I expect the same?

Our situation is interesting, sad, frustrating, angering, rejected, unfair, humbling, faith requiring stuff. It's not easy. It's perplexing. It hurts.

Somehow I plug along, trying to not share with you all the pain while also wanting to share with you pieces and parts so that you see that you are not abandoned - physically or in hope. You are not abandoned by God either. He knows you and wants you to grow from these experiences.

This year has been a gift. A gift wrapped in difficult gift wrap. Confusing and contoured tape that is overlapped by other layers of tape that makes it hard to unravel in a short time period.

And, for some reason it isn't supposed to be fast. The emotions to take time to work through as do the required sequences of events that must occur toward us taking that next step.

God is guiding the way. I am truly seeking to Hear Him. I am seeking to Let Him Prevail. I am seeking to have the faith to move the mountains in our lives.

My prayer is that we will be safe and protected on this journey. My prayer is that I will be able to keep making this journey with you. My prayer is that answers and solutions will come, as they always do, just at the right time as they always have.

I've had to overcome a lot of thoughts about how my life was to be at this point, how I was going to help the people in my human orbit and any new human orbits. It is different than I thoughts and hopes that I've had on the journey. I have been compelled to be humbled, and I didn't think I was one of "those people." But, I am.

I don't get to resolve many issues in one year. I've known this for almost 30 years now. I get to go through "a long dark deep tunnel, but at the end much joy and happiness is awaiting me." There have been moments along the journey were I thought I was near the exit of that tunnel. But, over the past few years I have assumed that perhaps the joy and happiness in fullness would be after this life and not necessarily here.

At the same time, I don't see myself as a depressed person. Upon leaving my full-time job, I've had to sit with myself more than ever and assess who I am and where I am going. I signed up for this next journey based upon that premise, after all.

Still, it's hard. I have never had, nor seem to ever get the honor, privilege, gift, or ease that seem to be an option in some of the lives I see. I've had parents that have helped from time to time, a friend or few along the journey that have assisted in some way, but never have been supported fully by a spouse in monetary ways. This must be one of the gifts and challenges of my life. Being the breadwinner regardless of my other desires.

This obligation to work combined with all of the other things I feel I must accomplish in this life plagued me with my employment. Others were super busy. I seemed to be super busy and plagued by the need to accomplish other things that weren't part of the job. That's partially why I quit.

I have felt to share my stories and lessons learned with others. I have through my podcast, coaching, ,and consulting.

I have felt to help others offer up their best work. And, I've been doing that.

I have always felt to create a successful entrepreneurial venture. I want to have a lot of money. For the freedom, flexibility, and giving opportunities it brings. This has not yet come about. 

Some of the basic things that I thought that I'd easily figure out - my focus, my business approach, my brand, my sales funnel, my marketing, etc. All have gone far longer than I thought.

Right now I'm earning money as a consultant. Not a coach. In fact, you could say that I'm a failure at the coaching business.

Speaking for my business tonight, I realized that I haven't had to stand in front of a group of people since COVID began. My last stand up in front of people to present was my testimony given in March 2020 before church went virtual.

It was powerful tonight in some ways and extremely off target in others. But, it taught me.

I still have work to do. I do keep having the thought that perhaps I'm in this situation so that I will do the work. So that I will offer up something different to the world than I was giving. And, that somewhere in all of this helping of people I will find what I'm looking for and powerfully get it out there and offer it.

Even writing this, I feel a power coming into me that I've had in the past and just hasn't been practiced for a while.

My gifts require hard work. Hard mental work and focused effort. I want to do that work.

I'm truly lucky that Daddy found me some consulting Tiny Person. I was languishing - doing lots of things, producing visible marketing and podcasts, but not getting focused. Daddy hasn't created great work in a long time. I doubt he knows how. But, I still pray that His Heavenly Father will bless him despite his weaknesses, setbacks, and mindset.

We are able to be in a comfortable place right now as we await next steps. I have set dates and goals to meet. I am hopeful. I am faithful. I am tired.

I pray all the time that I will live to get you through high school and into college. I'd love to live far longer than that to see mission, marriage, children, and to see up close what you choose to do with your life.

God willing that will be so. Every day I will continue to expose you to new people, ideas, insights, and growth opportunities. I will make sure you learn from books, tv, movies, people, and practicing. You know I love to tell you to practice.

I love practice, because I learned about it so late in life. I love to teach you about mistakes and how they are part of life and to just keep going and changing after making them. And, apologizing, repenting, and forgiving if that is needed.

For now, I need to go to bed. It's almost 2 a.m. and we will wake up at 7 a.m. to get you on the bus to go to your school.

You enjoy school and said after spring break that it just seems to go for a few seconds each day. You are reading some sentences, figuring out words, playing with friends, learning your addition and subtraction flash cards, and extremely observant and well spoken. You are also insightful for your age, and have high emotional intelligence in many areas.

You are a gift and a blessing to me at this time. May we keep pressing forward in the faith and know that we'll be taken care of.

Love you,

Mommy